Anxious Attachment Style: How It Shows Up, Why It’s Hard to Break, and How Therapy Can Help in Alberta

Anxious Attachment Style and the Need to Feel Secure

Anxious attachment patterns manifest in various ways. Maybe it’s the panic that creeps in when someone takes too long to text back, or the way your mind spirals into worst-case scenarios when plans change. You may find yourself over-explaining, overgiving, or shrinking yourself just to keep the peace. The fear of someone pulling away making you physically ill, and then neglecting yourself in the process of not being left. More than exhaustion, it’s depleting. Not only do these experiences have real-time impacts, the brain equates connection with uncertainty, which makes healthy relationships also feel threatening. So how does one break the cycle? And how did the cycle even begin? Understanding attachment styles requires us to go back to the very beginning - our earliest experiences created the foundation for what our attachment style is today.

Rewiring Old Patterns: Your Brain on Healing

Our attachment styles are rooted in our first experiences with connection and safety. Our caregivers play a fundamental role in how our styles are formed. Individuals who have an anxious attachment style were commonly shown affection and love, but inconsistently. This isn’t always due to overt neglect, and often the parents aren’t even aware that this is happening. For instance, two working parents may choose to put their child in daycare. The child subconsciously learns that love is unpredictable and that their primary caregivers are unavailable. Our nervous system learns to tune into this unpredictability - the child receives the message that love can be available one moment and out of reach the next. Over time, this creates a heightened sensitivity to rejection, disconnection, or perceived abandonment. The brain, in an effort to protect you, becomes wired to stay on alert. This manifests as reading between the lines, overthinking interactions, or clinging to reassurance. These patterns often carry into adulthood, showing up in friendships, romantic relationships, or even the workplace.

That being said, the brain is remarkably adaptable. Through intentional healing, it’s possible to gently rewire these old patterns. This process isn’t about “fixing” yourself — it’s about creating new experiences of safety and connection, both internally and externally.

Choosing Safety over Familiarity

Safety and familiarity seem like they would go hand in hand, but this isn’t always the case. For people with anxious attachment, familiar often means unpredictable. It’s the uncertainty, the mixed signals, the constant second-guessing that starts to feel normal, even when it leaves you unsettled. On the other hand, secure connections can feel foreign. When someone shows up consistently, part of you might not know what to do with it. It feels unfamiliar, and unfamiliar often gets mistaken for unsafe. Alternatively, it could also be mistaken for being “boring”. The absence of chaos or emotional highs and lows can leave you questioning whether there’s enough chemistry or connection. But often, what we perceive to be boredom is actually stability - the kind your nervous system hasn’t had the chance to grow accustomed to yet. It can take time to relearn what genuine safety feels like, and that process often starts with noticing these patterns without judgment.

Why It Feels So Hard to Break the Cycle

If anxious attachment was easy to shift, most of us wouldn’t still be stuck in these patterns. You might logically understand where it comes from. You might know your reactions are rooted in fear, not fact. And yet, the same feelings of panic, overthinking, or clinginess still show up, leaving us feeling like we’re in survival mode.

There’s a reason for that. Anxious attachment lives in our body. It’s wired into your nervous system after years of inconsistent connection, uncertainty, or unmet needs. Even when your circumstances change, your body still reacts as if you’re at risk of being abandoned or rejected. That’s why awareness alone doesn’t always lead to change. You can “know better” and still feel completely overwhelmed when something triggers those old fears.

It’s also why healing takes time. It’s not about flipping a switch or forcing yourself to “just be chill.” It’s about gently teaching your nervous system that not all uncertainty is dangerous. That love doesn’t have to feel like a rollercoaster. That you don’t have to earn your place in someone’s life by over-giving or shrinking yourself.

It makes sense if part of you still feels drawn to familiar patterns - even if they’re painful. As humans, we’re wired for connection. Our brain is not always the best at detecting a healthy connection from one that can trigger old patterns, even if we’re putting in the work to outgrow them. It’s normal to feel frustrated when you catch yourself spiraling, or clinging to reassurance. But none of that means you’ve failed. It means your body, and mind, are still learning.

This is where support matters. Having a therapist who understands anxious attachment can help you notice these patterns without judgment. Together, you can practice building internal safety, one small moment at a time. It’s not about eliminating anxiety completely - it’s about making space for steadier, more secure connections to grow.

The Takeaway

Healing anxious attachment isn’t about finding ways to “relax” or learning to be less “needy” - it begins with building safety inside your body. Learning to sit with uncertainty without equating this feeling to being abandoned. Even when we consciously know we are physically safe, our brain can still perceive rejection to be a physical threat. This then triggers physiological symptoms - sweaty palms, increased heart rate, and heart palpitations to name a few. Anxious attachment is

Although this may feel easier said than done, it’s important to note that techniques are introduced gradually. Discomfort can be managed, and overtime, it’ll stop feeling like an emergency.

Working with an attachment-informed therapist can support this process. If you’re looking for help with anxious attachment here in Alberta, know you’re not alone. You’re learning how to feel safe, maybe for the first time.

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